KaSiBreeze's Xanga

Wednesday, June 25, 2008

Wed, 25 Jun 2008 06:26:50 GMT

Many of you know that I’ve decided to stay in California and defer going to Hopkins (to re-evaluate in a year). What prompted the change of heart? On a very superficial level, I simply never wanted to leave California. And to be completely frank and honest – I was scared to death to take on what I felt to be an unrealistic amount of loans, at least at this point in my life. The past 6 months has been a tremendous time of soul-searching, spiritual growth and…what I like to believe – a time of maturing in thoughts and actions. First, the soul-searching. I really believe our generation as a whole is disenchanted. Most of us have found it hard to grow 'roots' and get grounded in some sort of traditional family life. I’d say 90% of my friends nearing 30 or over 30 are still unmarried. We look to connect, but it seems as though we've lost the ability to do so in a satisfying way. What we seemed to have become is a generation of floaters who are continually looking for that something 'more in our single lives. Luckily or unluckily, we’re also presented with a myriad of options to fill the void, so many that we sometimes don’t know which is the right door to walk thru. For me, the door to fill my disenchantment swung wide open with my Hopkins acceptance letter. It felt like a ticket to ‘fulfillment’, it felt like THE path to leaving a field I was not mentally engaged with to pursue an ideal I was whole-heartedly passionate about.
I saw the opportunity as God given, but with heavy trade offs. I would have to leave a life of financial comfort, stability and security. I would have to leave my community, my friends, and a place I've come to call home. I would have to learn to fully trust God and rely on Him alone. It felt like the biggest fork in the road, on one hand I wanted to trust that God gave me this path to fill my personal void. But on the other hand...I just didn't have a good feeling about it. But I thought since God opened the door...He MUST want me on this path, so how can I not go? But it was thru this continuous wrestling each day, each hour, each minute and each second of the day... that I realized the question should not be 'Do you want me to go to Hopkins?', but rather 'How can I serve you today...and everyday?' It was definitely a time of growth for me because before I only turned to God when I needed an answer on something 'big'. But that seems silly now, cause its almost like going to a stranger and asking them what their advice is about something important in my life...no matter what they said...would my heart be prepared to take on their opinion? Heh...

And now…a little explaining on - maturing. =P Anyone who’ve known me for awhile would likely pin me as the idealistic type. If you know me really well, you’d know that I’m a feeler and not a thinker. And if you know me better than myself, you would tell me I was about to fall off the deep end of the idealistic-feeler spectrum. When I say idealistic-feeler, I mean one who bases their actions and reactions on their emotions at the moment and one who believes, seeks and holds onto the ideas of perfection in this world. And...that was me. The idea of eradicating poverty, like a superhero saving the world...was just and right. The idea of attending the best int’l health school in the nation…was logical and prestigious. The thought of working with the World Bank, Center for Disease Control, or the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation…was ideal. What I didn't realize until recently was just how ideal I needed all aspects of my life to be. I was seeking after perfection...and when it felt like I would fail at achieving it...I would just drop everything to pursue another ideal. I was so idealistic, I could not cope with the idea that some ideals are false or cannot be accomplished quickly and easily. I was so scared of having my ideals crushed that I would ...just not pursue them.
There is no superhero to eradicate poverty. There are a lot of moving parts, with a lot of people to influence, a lot of corrupt governments to overrun, a lot of policies to create, a lot of basic infrastructures to build, a lot of resources that need to be funneled properly, precisely, and very timely. Civilizations were not built in a lifetime, life will always be hard on some. A utopian world...is an ideal. The idea of eradicating poverty, attending Hopkins, and working for the UN are all great ideals…but is that path for me? Does it fit with my gifts, my skills, my …happiness? I had to really ‘think’ about what the future me would want, rather than just what the now Melody feels right doing. It’s hard for me to separate feelings out from my decisions…or even be realistic about them, because I tend to view the world as ‘perfect’, that things can turn out like fairy tales. And its always been so very easy for me to hold onto ideals that people put out, to believe people without question and to continue to search and seek ideals. I would venture to say I was so idealistic I wouldn’t have known I was being idealistic, because I would naturally think that’s the way others think or should think. I still think ideals are great, so are gut feelings…but I’m learning to strike a balance between being idealistic and realistic. That’s a big change for me. So while sometimes now, it feels like I’ve just gone in a circle the past 6 months…I know I have not. I would like to believe that the door that God was actually holding open was not simply a door to a path and career in Int’l Health. I think it was a door to getting to know Him more and growing closer to His heart and His desires for me. I don’t think it was about doing work in Marketing, or doing work for Him in Global Health. Does God just offer one door? No. Is the path ever clear? No. Is there only one way to serve him? No. So what is the most important thing in doing God’s will? It’s just my heart. It was always as simple as that. My passion hasn’t changed, the past 6 months has kicked it into gear, and now…I think it’s searching for the right route…TBD, still waiting patiently on God. But Mother Teresa once said…If you can’t feed a hundred, just feed one. So meanwhile, I’ll feed one while I figure out how to feed a hundred. =) maybe Globalgiving.com?

Surrender

Tue, 20 May 2008 03:34:45 GMT

I'm giving You my heart
All that is within
I lay it all down
For the sake of You my King
I'm giving You my dreams laying down my rights
I'm giving up my pride
For the promise of new life

And I Surrender
All to You, all to You

I'm singing You this song
I'm waiting at the Cross
All the world holds dear
I count it all as loss
For the sake of knowing You
For the glory of Your name
To know the lasting joy
Even sharing in Your pain

Change

Wed, 14 May 2008 16:15:13 GMT

Why are we wired to reject change?

In general, I think I've been a comparably adaptable person all my life - open to moving from place to place and looking forward to new experiences all the time. I liked that aspect of myself...I liked the fact that I was malleable. But was that only a product of (young) age? Because as of late, I've been so distraught over the coming changes I see in my life. Why? Is it really cause I'm getting older?

I'm almost yearning for no change in my life at this point...but, change is inevitable. Imagine if nothing changed, how sterile and boring life would be. Or perhaps we're resistant to the changes that seem to spring upon us unexpectedly. But the irony is, if we all knew exactly what would happen tomorrow and all the time, I would think we wouldn't be very happy, and in fact might actually be living fearfully today thinking of the changes that will happen tomorrow. I guess this somewhat is the case, as I am fairly certain of some of the changes in my life the coming months.

I think after wrestling with the changes that have happened this year thus far, I've grown to embrace what's to come, on most (good) days. But on other days (the bad ones), I get these unwarranted momentary lapses of distrust and loss of faith that makes me feel completely helpless and doubtful of the choices I've made. I hate those moments. In those moments, the dread and fear is overwhelming.

jetlagged

Tue, 13 May 2008 22:32:39 GMT

i've been crashing at work around 3pm everyday. Yesterday, I fell asleep at 6pm and then woke up at 2am to cook dinner...coudln't fall back asleep so I stayed up and washed my car by hand at 5am. Heh...it was nice to see the sunrise while cleaning my baby =)

Tho I'm soooo tired and my schedule's all whacked...it's really refreshing to get up so early, to have so much time before the craziness of the day starts. I actually really need the time to prep my mind each day...whether you believe it or not, I think I'm in some spiritual warfare. I've never felt so certain and uncertain (depending on what day you ask me) about this one thing in my life. I can't explain my drastic, unwarranted, illogical swings in my decision. Sigh, i'm actually really tired of feeling this way...or maybe I'm just really tired from being jetlagged right now. whatever it is...i'm tired...and the only thing that revives me is my quiet time with God. I guess that's a good thing then =)...at least I'm being more consistent.

the other thing thats been strange lately...i've lost all interest in some of the things i used to be so passionate about,...like photography....whats up...what's going on...

Ugh...emotions make you irrational

Thu, 24 Apr 2008 19:32:48 GMT

I am so attached to my car. Everytime I think about having to part with it, I feel gutted. =( I guess it's cause it's my first new car, and it's a special edition so there are only 2,500 of them =(. It's got a number engraved inside the car...stupid marketing scheme...it's working!!! I'm attached to the idea that it's a one and only, cause it has a unique number engraved. I keep thinking I'm not going to find another one like it later if I sell it...but...its so silly!!!!! It's just a stupid car...omg...I think I need to go pray for detachment from Blizzard...=(

sick =/

Mon, 21 Apr 2008 20:38:35 GMT

sick again...how many times do i have to get sick this year! =( I'm starting to see some sort of trend tho...i might actually not be sick but have a new (sad) form of allergy - an allergic reaction to certain people. ha.

no...actually, i think i've become too tolerant. I don't very often get upset or mad on the spot...instead, I've gotten to the point where I've learned to absorb the situation, process it internally and then generally by that point, whatever feelings i had in the heat of the moment have died down, and I end up concluding there's nothing to be upset about. Or that it's just not worth to bring it up anymore. Sigh but perhaps in this process, I'm just 'ingesting' all the frustrations without letting it out, and that's what's making me physically sick...iono...=/

whatever it is...I'm really tired of getting sick.

ah home sweet home

Thu, 17 Apr 2008 05:27:02 GMT

why doesn't anyone believe me when I tell them I'm a homebody? the reason I can't be one here is i'd feel like a loner if i just stayed home all the time since no one drives out this way to see me! but that doesn't mean i'm not a homebody...=/

these days...i'm down with just going to work, going to the range, hanging out and coming home to sleep...ya, simplicity...is all i'm looking for.

all the traveling over the past years has made me so sick, soooo sick of airports and airplanes. eck. i'm so not looking forward to the upcoming 22 hr trip to hk...as much as i'm looking forward to seeing my grandma and friends. =/

The Kry - Take My Hand

I know there are times   Your dreams turn to dust
You wonder as you cry    why it has to hurt so much
give me all your sadness   someday you will know the reason
why, with a childlike heart, simply put your trust in me

Take my hand and walk where I lead, keep your eyes on me
alone, don't you say why were the old days better, just
because your scared of the unknown, take my hand and walk

Don't live in the past cuz yesterday's gone, wishin
memories would last, your afraid to carry on.
but you don't know what's comin, but you know the one
who holds tomorrow. I will be your guide, take you through
the night, if you keep your eyes on Me.

Take my hand and walk where I lead, keep your eyes on me
alone, don't you say why were the old days better, just
because your scared of the unknown, take my hand and walk
where I lead you will never be alone, faith is to be sure
of what you hope for, and the evidence of things unseen, so
take my hand and walk.

100 and 158

Mon, 14 Apr 2008 23:13:58 GMT

These are some important numbers in my life right now...

100, is the score I'm shooting for at golf by the end of this summer. I'm So addicted to golf. =) I'm traveling for work to chicago this week, and I'm finding it very frustrating that I'm losing out on 3 nights at the range this week to practice!!! My way of compensating? I found myself searching for the womens golf magazine at the airport concession stands and checking the standings of the Masters on my iPhone. =p

I hope I can get this all out of my system before I leave for grad school this summer. Cause the next number, 158 stands for the number of class days of my masters program. Its so accerlerated that I don't think, really really don't think I'll be doing anything much aside from going to classes, studying, maybe eating, and maybe eating =p. Theres def no time for golf =\

I wish somehow I can find the time and resources to do it all!

Baltimore / DC

Sun, 06 Apr 2008 18:53:04 GMT

Unusual, is how I would describe the transportation aspect of my trip to DC/baltimore so far...

1) I was offered a 250 dollar flight voucher for taking a flight that was only 45 min later
2) rental car company was out if compact cars, so I got upgraded to a nice SUV w free tank of gas
3) the upgraded car they gave me had a car alarm in it, problem was they didn't give me the right key to disable it =\ messy ordeal, I ended up not having time to check out the Capitol!

Happy, is how I feel about being able to catch up with friends I haven't seen awhile, and realizing that I know more people than I thought on the East coast.

Jumpy, is how I sorta feel about my stay tonight in this red roof inn, alone =\
Reserved, is still part of how I feel about Hopkins.

Tomorrow, is the day everything should all become clearer.

=( =( =(

Fri, 04 Apr 2008 16:05:09 GMT

I really can't do it...I can't go back to grad school for Int'l Health if I have to take out that huge loan...cause now I REALLY know what grads are making, hard stats. Though I'm not going to Harvard, I called their career services anyways to see what their grads are making right out of their Masters program...this was the program I applied to that wanted their applicants to have some OTHER Masters degree before applying to their Masters in Public Health program...TWO masters degrees...and this is what they're making after graduation...

34% are making less than 30k

64% are making less than 50k

75% are making less than 60k

...I bet the 25% who are making more than 60k (which according to some hard math I did last night, is how much I would at least need to make in order to cover my monthly loan payments) are probably in healthcare consulting.

Grim realities...I can't do this unless I get a scholarship. It doesn't make sense to spend the next 30 years of my life paying off a loan I can't handle. I'll take the paycut, I'll work my way up from 30k again, I was there once and I lived comfortably. But I can't be making 30k if I've got 100k of loans to payoff.

UGHHH. ...what does God want me to do...=( =( =( =( =(